Not The Crazy One..

So this is my first "on the go" blog!  

I'm writing from my car- well Matt's car and he is driving. So i'm not breaking any laws - We're heading home after  a weekend in Katy,TX, Matt's hometown.  

Our original weekend plan was to leave Austin Friday evening, but I noticed Grace acting a little strange on Thursday and my mommy instincts knew she was getting sick -  sure enough Friday morning she was congested and coughing.  Some part of me was satisfied that I called it the day before.  I'm not happy that she is sick but I was happy that I'm catching onto this parenting thing and listening to my inner voice (not the crazy voice but the mommy voice).

Anyway-  we decided to stay home that evening and make a game time decision the next morning.

Why such a big deal to go back to Katy this weekend?  Normally we could go any weekend but we had tickets to the Texans/Seahawks game on Sunday plus Saturday afternoon I was going dress shopping for my sister in laws wedding.  I'm a bridesmaid- so I wanted to be supportive and an active part in the dress shopping process.  Plus who doesn't like to shop?!!  ME -- I hate it with a passion. I literally go shopping for an hour and am done with it-  stick-a-fork-in-me done.  But for whatever reason bridal shopping is my forte.  

Sorry to degress.  Back to Saturday morning. 

After seeing our congested baby smiling when she woke up, running through a pros and cons list with matt and an extensive converstion with my inner voice (there it is again) --we decided to head back to Katy.  

Matt and his brother watched Grace while I spent the afternoon shopping for a bridesmaids dress - which I might add was for a good 5 hours and I think I had the most energy out of all the ladies by the end of it.  

I decided to give my football ticket to my brother in law.  I figured he had just spent the day entertaining my child and I appreciated that - so let him enjoy a football game with his brother.  Plus, my inner voice was telling me I wanted to stay with my Grace.

Now we gotta get back to Austin in time for the Breaking Bad finale! 

D'Lites

There is a small ice cream shop roughly 5 miles from my house.  It is a hidden treasure Matt and I discovered this summer.  We're both eating healthy but we both like a sweet treat.  Matt used to bring home pints of Ben & Jerry's and chocolate cakes - and although I miss those days, D'lites has filled the void.

We celebrate hump day with a tasty treat from D'lites.  Wednesdays are manageable now - now that I know by 8pm I will have my fix for the week.  Kind of an addiction - but I figure that this low carb, low sodium, low sugar, gluten free addiction is a lot better than meth!

D'lites has an array of flavors - they switch them daily.  Best part - they list them on their website.  So, let's say you are at work on Wednesday afternoon you can  take a gander at their site and know exactly what flavor you'll be tasting in 6 1/2 hours.  but there are some weeks when the choices are too overwhelming I tell Matt "Dealer's Choice" and he knows exactly what that means.  He usually has the privilege of going to pick up D'lites, so I give him free reign to choose my ice cream destiny on said evenings.

I would go on and on about how much I love this delectable treat but the proof is in the pudding..er, ice cream

Fluffer Nutter Fudge & Spice Cake

Matt & His D'lites

The Elvis

Wednesday is complete!

Ants in my Pants!

My rants about ants! The red ones.  The fire ants.  The ones that leave a puss filled pimple on your skin.  I hate those S.O.Bs.

We recently have had a problem in our backyard with these pesky insects.  Now that the weather is cooling down ( a cool 93 degrees today), we will be spending more time outside playing in the yard. We have a cute pink swing that I want grace to enjoy but I sure as hell am not going to be standing in the grass while those red specks destroy my good time as well as my feet.  

Let me first say that I really don't like killing any animal (insects included).  I'm sort of a buddhist that way.  However - this f -er's deserve to rot.

We've had an exterminator come out the house 2x now...I've definitely noticed a difference in the amount of ants but they are still there attacking me.  I will feel a stinging on my feet and without fail two or three of them will be crawling on me.  And then for 30 minutes afterwards I feel like something is on me.  I shake my legs, scratch my head, bat at my arms....its quite a scene.

So, I decided to not let this fire ants get the best of me and my time out in the sun.   I am taking a stance. I am taking back my yard.

Mission Destroy Those Flippin Fire Ants starts now!

Gymboree!

I took Grace to her first gymboree class today.  We were trying out the tiny tykes class for babies 7 months thru 13 months. We were the first ones to arrive - so we sat in the middle of the the gym anxiously awaiting class to start.    The other babies and their moms started coming into the gym.  We introduced ourselves and the class began.  I was nervous since this was the first time Grace would be a structured setting trying different skills that I wasn't sure if she was ready for with other children.

She was the youngest baby at class but my girl can hold her own.  We worked on a variety of skills from hanging from a monkey bar, balancing while walking, to forward rolls.  It was towards the latter part of the class when the teacher asked the parents to put the babies in the middle of the gym so they could play alone.  This is to help babies with separation anxiety.  So I placed my 8 month old baby girl down in the midst of toys and her new friends.  As I sat on the perimeter of the gym mat, I watched Grace and the world around her. The other babies were moving about - crawling, rolling, scooting to their favorite toys.  Two of the boys were interacting with each other while the others played in a group.  There was one baby that spotted her mom and started to cry - ah, separation anxiety at its finest.   

From the first time her little life, I was watching Grace's world from the outside.  All the moms were sitting around watching their babies and chatting about breastfeeding, formula, weaning, solids- all the exciting conversations you hear when you're around a bunch of moms.  Normally I would've jumped in on the conversation and chatted my head off but I stood there unable to concentrate on the conversation.  It was like in the movies when the surrounding world disappears and only two things are the main focus.  All my eyes could focus on was that little girl 50 feet away from me.
 
I watched her nervously - thinking "it's okay Grace, mommy's close", "go make some friends"  and repeated in my head "don't cry don't cry."  And she didn't cry! She sat there independently playing with the toys without a care in the world.  In that moment I was a basket case of emotions- I was happy, I was sad, I was excited, I was nervous but most of all I was proud.  oh, how proud I was!

Those 5 minutes were harder on me than her.  Separation anxiety is a two way street.

* I don't have pictures of the class because t I didn't know if other parents would want their child posted on my blog.  So I didn't bring my camera.  Will ask next time we go and get some pictures uploaded.

ALL

September is National Leukemia and Lymphoma Awareness Month.  As September draws to an end - I would be remiss not to mention I'm a cancer survivor - a Leukemia survivor.  .

I was diagnosed May 5, 1987 -- was just about to turn 4 years old.  A baby. 

I don't remember much from that time.  I believe it is my mind protecting me mixed with being young and having no idea what was going on around me.  But I do remember some things.

I remember...

• getting stuck with needles
• sitting on my mom's lap (poor woman) while doctors drew blood -probably until I was 10
• getting Nathan's hotdogs and French fries after going to the doctors for a check up
• walking around the hospital with the portable IV - naming them Johnnie or Frankie (not sure why!)
• going in for spinal taps.  being sedated and then waking up to hearing my doctor say "cool, cool" as he numbed my back before inserting a needle into it.
• my mom always being by my head when I woke up in the middle of the spinal tap procedure.  She would have a guardian angel in her hand and she would be by my side the whole time. 
• my dad being at the foot of my bed during the procedure because I think that is how he wanted to control what was going on.
• the wonderful doctors and nurses that helped me but mostly gave my parents and family courage of me beating the illness.
• going to the Marty Lyons, NFL defensive player for the NY Jets charity holiday party every year.
• being interviewed with my mom at a telethon by Kathy Lee Gifford and sitting next to mother that had a baby that severely sick - and feeling sorry for them.
• not being able to swallow pills so my parents having to mash up my steroids in applesauce.  Still to this day - I cannot eat applesauce.
• wearing a visor or hat because I couldn't be in direct sunlight due to my medicine.
• going to the emergency room once.
• my dad writing my blood count numbers down in a purple spiral notebook
• being stuck 10x once because my IV fell out of my arm one night in the hospital and the nurse on call could not find a vein.
• crying because my mom left the hospital one day to see my sister.
• flushing my medicine down the toilet when I was officially off of chemo therapy.
• never feeling like the "sick" child.
• having a very happy childhood.

What I don't remember are all the times my parents probably cried because they were scared.  All the times my sister was dropped off at my aunts house because someone had to watch her.  How our neighbors and friends had garage sales to raise money for hospital bills.  How random people from all over the country prayed for me and sent letters to my family hoping to lift their spirits. 

As an adult I cry more thinking of what happened.  Thinking of the uncertainty my family was faced with.  Thinking of families that have had different outcomes.  Thinking of myself as a mom with a sick child.  

I used to be scared to think about Leukemia.  Now, I'm scared I don't think about it enough.  I  get overwhelmed, bothered and annoyed at typical everyday nonsense.  But it's times like these when I take a moment to reflect on the bigger picture.

I get today.

I'm a hugger..

I don't know if it's the Italian in me or what but I love to hug.   There are many forms of hugging but I am going to hone in on four of them: the classic hug, the warm embrace hug, the side hug, and the wrestling hug.

Personally - the classic hug is my go to. To me - it is genuine and substantial.  When I hug someone I mean it and I want them to know I mean it.  Even though I love hugs, I don't give them away willy nilly. 

the Classic Hug -  the hug that is the most common.  Arms around both people (hugger/hugee), hug does not linger that long but an appropriate amount - a side kiss could be given as well.

the Warm Embrace Huge - popular among couples, family, friends you may have not seen in awhile, or for a variety of occasions (sympathy, happiness, etc).  Arms and full body are used in this technique.  the huggers draw each other in closer and they linger for a moment just embracing each other - words maybe we exchanged while hugging.  **the most intimate hug of all.

the Side Hug - given when person(s) maybe holding other objects or when you are quickly leaving a place.  When the hugger/hugee are side by side (hips touching) and one arm wrapped around each other.

the Wrestling Hug - usually given in a drunken debauchery.  The hug that usually ends up in a take down. 

  And that is my rant about hugging....

4 years

He was already at Auditorium Shores waiting for everyone else to show up for our first flag football practice.  I remember he was tossing the football up in the air and catching it when Lee and I approached him.  We exchanged hellos and waited for the rest of our team to show up so we could start our practice.  The park in the middle of Austin is where I first met Matt and 2 1/2 years later where he proposed.

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary - I love this guy more now than the day I married him.  He is the ear that listens, the voice with logic, the arms that hug me tight, and one hell of a good cook.

That's right ladies- 4 years ago I hit the husband jackpot!

I could go on and on about how much I love him, which I do, but the reality is marriage is hard.  Life is hard -  but we are a team and get through whatever is thrown at us.  Who knows what the future will bring but what I do know is that I'm going to enjoy today with my husband, my teammate, my best friend.

From this day forward, I Allie, take you Matt, to be my husband.  I promise to bring joy to your heart and fun to your soul.  To laugh with you in good times and struggle with you in the bad times.  To never take you for granted and always give thanks for you.  I give you my love, my heart, my soul and my friendship.  I pledge this to you, now and until the end of time.

 Happy Anniversary, Matt.

September 18, 2009 

 

Hindsight

Watching the baby monitor while Grace sleeps for the night - pretty much the only time I get to write is while she is sleeping.  It was the beginning of the work week for most but I got to savor one more day home with my girl.  Although there are weeks when going to work on a Monday doesn't seem like a bad gig - depends on her mood!

It is still disgustingly hot and humid here in Austin.  Yes - mid September and still close to 100 degrees.  This is when you see the heat wearing everyone thin.  We've dealt with the heat for 4 straight months now and want a change of pace.  Everything about fall is in air except the air.

We had fun this weekend.

Saturday morning Grace and I went on and adventure to meet up with some new friends.  I reached out to them from an online new moms meet up group.  It felt so weird to ask a stranger to meet me at a strange place with our kids in tow.  But it was a success.  Grace made two new friends  - and hopefully so did I.  Side bar - I now use Grace like a guy would use a puppy at a dog park.  She is my wing man.  We then laid low the rest of the day - Grace went grocery shopping with Matt ( yes, it is adorable!)

It was later in the afternoon that I got a text from one of my friends that I work with.  She has a darling little girl a month younger than Grace.  They have had play dates before and I like to imagine them holding hands walking into kindergarten together.  We met up for good conversation and a delicious margarita -  I love those impromptu hang outs.  They are the breath of fresh air.

Sunday morning was lazy.  We eased our way into the day.  I took Grace to her first birthday party.  It was my friends son's third birthday.  It was an adorable birthday and all the kids were running around having fun.  There was this one woman there with a girl that was 20 months old - and it transported me to a year from now, Grace will be running around, climbing around in a year from now.  It made me excited - but then I felt my heart ache.

After the birthday party - Matt, Grace and I went to Red's Porch (a local bar) - always a great place to bring a baby.  We went to meet up with an old friend of mine from NY.  Well -  He was my first boyfriend, the first guy I loved, and the first guy to break my heart.

He contacted me a couple weeks ago saying that he and his wife were moving down to Austin.  Small world.  Anyway - it has been years since I last saw him so I figured since we would soon be sharing a city that sharing a drink might be a good idea.  It was a fun afternoon and as I climbed into the car with my family I couldn't help but giggle to myself...... 

If only the 16 year old me could see what love truly looks like. 

Sunday

It is 8am - Grace is down for a nap already.  Matt is chopping vegetables for Turkey Chili.  I just finished my oatmeal and coffee and am easing into Sunday. 

Sunday used to be a day I would dread - as a kid Sunday would bring school the next day.  As a teenager it would mark the end of a fun weekend with my friends.  In my early twenties it was a day that meant another work week was right around the corner. 

Now -  Sunday means morning walks with Matt and Grace.  Sunday means early family dinners.  Sunday means football.  Sunday brings CBS Morning News.  Sunday means creating my To Do list for the week.  Sunday means laundry.  Sunday means crosswords I can never finish - crosswords I can barely start.  I have a new appreciation for the last day of the week (or the start of a new week - I guess whatever floats your boat).

To me,  Sunday is a day of reflection - What did I accomplish this week?  What fun activities did we do?  Did I eat healthy this week? Did I exercise enough? -- usually NO. 

And then again- Sunday is just like any other day.  Grace is waking up from her nap - so this Sunday I am going to enjoy my little girl.

20mg

My feet are shaking and my heart is beating out of my chest -  I am about to share some information that I'm not necessarily proud of but that I have learned not to be ashamed of.  I have anxiety.  And I am not talking about the nervous and jittery type of anxiety - I am talking about full blown panic attacks, thinking worst case scenario, need medicine to help me anxiety.

That wasn't so bad.

I speak of my anxiety now because it is has been two years since I first went to my doctor - in which he told me I was a good candidate for an anti- depressant, Fluoxetine.  I was against taking medicine - I struggled with the decision to start taking it.  But I was at the point where going to work was becoming a fear.  I knew I needed help.  So I started taking 10mg of Fluoxetine every morning with a glass of water.  At first I supplemented the medicine with half of a 0.5mg ativan pill.  This helped calm my nerves - I called it my best friend.  For me I knew the ativan was kicking in because I would start yawning 30 minutes after I took it.  It made things not so overwhelming and helped me adjust to this new life as the fluoxetine started to take effect.

I would say within a couple of weeks of starting medicine - I was feeling a little bit more like myself.  Waking up every morning - popping a pill no longer became a dreadful event.  I can't say I look forward to it but it was the way my life was heading and I was learning to accept it.

After being on medicine for roughly 6 months or so,  I was back to my old self - and I was ready for my next challenge.  Matt and I wanted a baby.  I read, researched, spoke to doctors, friends and family - about the effects of taking medicine while pregnant.  I knew I wasn't ready to stop taking medicine but I didn't know how long I would be on medicine and I wanted to carry on with my life.  Maybe a little selfish - but with the support of Matt, we made the conscious decision to start our family.  And in May 2012 - we found out we were going to be parents.


I still take Fluoxetine - I am up to 20mg, every morning, I no longer take ativan and haven't in over a year and a half, although some days I feel like I want to.  so now you know I have anxiety -  I don't suffer from it because I won't let myself suffer.  It is a part of my life but it isn't my life.

Man's Best Friend

I love all kinds of animals -- well maybe not all, I could do without certain reptiles, ferrets, and various rodents.  Let me rephrase - I love dogs (and certain cats are cool too).  But I'm a dog person. 

 

I have two Chihuahuas, Petie and Peep (aka -The Boys)

Petie and Peep

I grew up in a family that loved dogs - and when I first moved down to Austin I co-owned a dog walking/pet sitting business with my sister.

I cry hysterically when I see the ASPCA commercial - you know the one with Sarah McLachlan signing "Angel." - I won't link the video because it upsets me too much.

But I especially love how intuitive dogs can be.  How they give you kisses when they know you are sad or how they cower when they know they have done something wrong.  The unconditional love they share. 

I'm not going to lie when I found out I was pregnant - I was nervous about how the "boys" would react to the baby.  They HATE children.  So how would we juggle two dogs and a baby under one roof ?  Throughout my pregnancy I noticed a difference in Petie and Peep.  They were softer with me - Petie would crawl up and snuggle on my belly.  It seemed like they were sharing the excitement of the arrival of our newest family member. The week of my due date I cried everyday- apologizing to Petie and Peep on how I hope they wouldn't hate their new life.  I felt so guilty for changing things on them.  I knew my attention would be elsewhere - and when Petie and Peep would stare at me with their puppy dog eyes I would melt.

When we arrived home from the hospital with Grace - I had envisioned them growling or barking every time she cried.  I'm glad I was wrong.  Almost 8 months later - Grace, Petie and Peep get along just fine.  There are times I still get nervous of how they will  react-especially when she starts crawling- but they have never shown signs of aggression towards her.  They lick her hands and feet, they flank her stroller when we go for walks and ever since Grace started eating solids - they boys camp out under her highchair.  I swear she drops her food on purpose so the boys could have a treat.

I love my little yappers