Grace

The bellow is from the Journal I wrote to Grace before my Open Heart Surgery.  

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Let me start with your name.  When I first found out I was pregnant with you, I thought I was a having a boy for a split second.  But after some time, I knew in my heart, you were a little girl.  When it was confirmed in the 20 week ultrasound that my suspicions of you being a girl were true, there was only one name I wanted you to have --- Grace.

Grace was my grandmas name - Pops' mom- she died the day after my 9th birthday.  She was full of energy, love and life.  It's funny when I was growing up, Cici and Pop used to say I was like 'Grace' because of somethings I did or said was like my grandmother.  Now, looking back, its like you have always been a part of me - the part that I thought was my grandmother, might have been you as well.  So for starters, you were named after your Great Grandmother, who would've loved you soo much.

Secondly, Grace is a way of living.  To live with Grace, to me, means to live with dignity, pride, compassion, humanity and all things good.  Your dad and I named you Grace with the feeling that you would encompass all of these qualities.  I also felt that it would be through you, that I would learn to live with all of those qualities as well.

One of my favorite bands U2 has a song 'Grace'....The following lyrics from the song make me smile whenever I hear it.

Grace, she takes the blame

She covers the shame

Removes the stain

It could be her name

Grace, its the name for a girl

it's also a thought that changed the World.

And when she walks on the street 

You can hear the strings

Grace finds goodness in everything.

What once was hurt

What once was friction

What left a mark

no longer stings

because Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.

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Grace, you make my life beautiful.  Happy 5th Birthday - I know you will do wonderful things with you life, you already have!

Not A Day....

Tomorrow marks my two year anniversary of my Open Heart Surgery.  Two years!  Soo much has happened in that time.  I no longer work full time, Matt is at a different job, Grace will be heading into kindergarten in the fall, and lastly, we welcomed another beautiful girl into our family this October.  For most people, my surgery is in the past - it's over with, my scar is barely noticeable and I am healthy.  For me, my surgery is with me everyday and not a day goes by that I am not reminded of how my life has changed 2+ years ago.

• Not a day goes by that I don't look or touch at my scar.
• Not a day goes by that I don't think about the emotional toll I underwent from the minute I was diagnosed with my Congenital Heart Defect. 
• Not a day goes by that I don't think of all the wonderful and supportive texts, cards, gifts and messages I received from all my friends and family.
• Not a day goes by that I don't think about the Journal I had written for Grace with life lessons so she could read it later on in life, just in case I wasn't around.
• Not a day goes by that I don't think about those that have lost their lives to CHD, or are fighting everyday to make it to the next day.
• Not a day goes by that am I not grateful to all those highly trained and caring doctors and nurses that took care of me, and still take care of me.
• Not a day goes by that I don't smile because the memories of Matt, My dad and mom sharing some serious laughs in the hospital during my recovery. 
• Not a day goes by that I am not reminded of the euphoria high I felt after my surgery and during my recovery.    
• Not a day goes by that I am conflicted with how I should feel about this ordeal.
• Not a day goes by that I don't try to better myself physically, emotionally and mentally.
• Not a day goes by that I don't think about how I can help others that have been in my shoes.
• Not a day goes by that I don't think about how many others that have been in my shoes have helped me.
• Not a day goes by that I don't question my existence.
• Not a day goes by that I don't confirm the reason for my existence.
• Not a day goes by that I don't soak up the warmth of the sun.
• Not a day goes by that I don't embrace beauty of nature. 
• Not a day goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars for my parents.
• Not a day goes by that I don't  kiss my husband and tell him I love him.
• Not a day goes by that I don't hug and kiss my girls and feel extremely honored that they are mine.

Almost two years ago, I laid heartbeat less on an operating table....and Not a day goes by that I don't listen to the "thump thump thump" in my chest and  I stop what I am doing, take a deep breath and just be.

My favorite pic of my post operative state

To revisit my OHS story... read on