20mg

My feet are shaking and my heart is beating out of my chest -  I am about to share some information that I'm not necessarily proud of but that I have learned not to be ashamed of.  I have anxiety.  And I am not talking about the nervous and jittery type of anxiety - I am talking about full blown panic attacks, thinking worst case scenario, need medicine to help me anxiety.

That wasn't so bad.

I speak of my anxiety now because it is has been two years since I first went to my doctor - in which he told me I was a good candidate for an anti- depressant, Fluoxetine.  I was against taking medicine - I struggled with the decision to start taking it.  But I was at the point where going to work was becoming a fear.  I knew I needed help.  So I started taking 10mg of Fluoxetine every morning with a glass of water.  At first I supplemented the medicine with half of a 0.5mg ativan pill.  This helped calm my nerves - I called it my best friend.  For me I knew the ativan was kicking in because I would start yawning 30 minutes after I took it.  It made things not so overwhelming and helped me adjust to this new life as the fluoxetine started to take effect.

I would say within a couple of weeks of starting medicine - I was feeling a little bit more like myself.  Waking up every morning - popping a pill no longer became a dreadful event.  I can't say I look forward to it but it was the way my life was heading and I was learning to accept it.

After being on medicine for roughly 6 months or so,  I was back to my old self - and I was ready for my next challenge.  Matt and I wanted a baby.  I read, researched, spoke to doctors, friends and family - about the effects of taking medicine while pregnant.  I knew I wasn't ready to stop taking medicine but I didn't know how long I would be on medicine and I wanted to carry on with my life.  Maybe a little selfish - but with the support of Matt, we made the conscious decision to start our family.  And in May 2012 - we found out we were going to be parents.


I still take Fluoxetine - I am up to 20mg, every morning, I no longer take ativan and haven't in over a year and a half, although some days I feel like I want to.  so now you know I have anxiety -  I don't suffer from it because I won't let myself suffer.  It is a part of my life but it isn't my life.