ALL

September is National Leukemia and Lymphoma Awareness Month.  As September draws to an end - I would be remiss not to mention I'm a cancer survivor - a Leukemia survivor.  .

I was diagnosed May 5, 1987 -- was just about to turn 4 years old.  A baby. 

I don't remember much from that time.  I believe it is my mind protecting me mixed with being young and having no idea what was going on around me.  But I do remember some things.

I remember...

• getting stuck with needles
• sitting on my mom's lap (poor woman) while doctors drew blood -probably until I was 10
• getting Nathan's hotdogs and French fries after going to the doctors for a check up
• walking around the hospital with the portable IV - naming them Johnnie or Frankie (not sure why!)
• going in for spinal taps.  being sedated and then waking up to hearing my doctor say "cool, cool" as he numbed my back before inserting a needle into it.
• my mom always being by my head when I woke up in the middle of the spinal tap procedure.  She would have a guardian angel in her hand and she would be by my side the whole time. 
• my dad being at the foot of my bed during the procedure because I think that is how he wanted to control what was going on.
• the wonderful doctors and nurses that helped me but mostly gave my parents and family courage of me beating the illness.
• going to the Marty Lyons, NFL defensive player for the NY Jets charity holiday party every year.
• being interviewed with my mom at a telethon by Kathy Lee Gifford and sitting next to mother that had a baby that severely sick - and feeling sorry for them.
• not being able to swallow pills so my parents having to mash up my steroids in applesauce.  Still to this day - I cannot eat applesauce.
• wearing a visor or hat because I couldn't be in direct sunlight due to my medicine.
• going to the emergency room once.
• my dad writing my blood count numbers down in a purple spiral notebook
• being stuck 10x once because my IV fell out of my arm one night in the hospital and the nurse on call could not find a vein.
• crying because my mom left the hospital one day to see my sister.
• flushing my medicine down the toilet when I was officially off of chemo therapy.
• never feeling like the "sick" child.
• having a very happy childhood.

What I don't remember are all the times my parents probably cried because they were scared.  All the times my sister was dropped off at my aunts house because someone had to watch her.  How our neighbors and friends had garage sales to raise money for hospital bills.  How random people from all over the country prayed for me and sent letters to my family hoping to lift their spirits. 

As an adult I cry more thinking of what happened.  Thinking of the uncertainty my family was faced with.  Thinking of families that have had different outcomes.  Thinking of myself as a mom with a sick child.  

I used to be scared to think about Leukemia.  Now, I'm scared I don't think about it enough.  I  get overwhelmed, bothered and annoyed at typical everyday nonsense.  But it's times like these when I take a moment to reflect on the bigger picture.

I get today.