There is beauty in the breakdown

Here we are, just past our 9 week mark of when our newest family member entered the World, and I am utterly exhausted, anxious, feeling like crap and overwhelmed.  I thought being  a mom second time around would be easier... haha, oh Allie, when will you ever learn, nothing you do is normal.  Nope! Given, I am five years old this time around, and holy shit, that totally makes a difference.

Recovery has been anything but a walk in the park, which by the way I imagined foolishly I would be doing with my newborn at this point in time.  After my repeat c-section I was plagued with immense pain....not from the c-section, nope but from TRAPPED GAS!  If you have ever had this pain, you know it no joke - for a good 24 hours I was withering in pain and could not take a deep breath or move a certain way because it felt like I was being stabbed on along my right side of my body.  I will never take my intestines and the art of passing gas for granted ever again, not that I ever did! I seriously considered that pain to be worse than after my OPEN HEART SURGERY!  WHATTTTTT! you crazy girl!!!  But seriously, I was hurting.

Then came my sore, cracked bleeding nipples from breastfeeding!  oh yes, someone suckling on my teets ever 2 hours wasn't as dreamy and loving as people make it out to be  Sorry La Leche League, you can bite the big one on this.  For a good week,  I had to pump only on my left boob, because the idea of Peyton latching on made my toes curled.  I dipped my nipple in salt water, air dried it, applied lanolin cream, wore a nipple guard - did everything, and a good week later my nip was in working order and open for business.

Maybe two uneventful weeks went by and then I woke up one morning feeling like I got hit by a truck - achy all over, headache that was pounding, chills and eventually a fever.   I got the flu shot, it cant be that, right?  As the day went on I was going downhill fast and that's when sweet little Peyton was taking a nap on my chest and moved and I felt a hard, tender spot on my right boob!  Yup, I had Mastitis! Its when a milk duct gets clogged and causes inflammation and infection in your boob.  But not only does it make your boob red, tender and achy, it truly makes you feel like shit!  A round of antibiotics later, my boob is healed and I am feeling physically much better..

All the while this was going on, my post partum anxiety was creeping up.  I had a really tough time at the beginning of this pregnancy with anxiety for about the first 16 weeks -- Thank you HORMONES.  Well, I guess these hormones are wrecking havoc again because my anxiety is wanting to welcome Peyton into the world as well.  Anxiety looks and feels different on all people, mine just so happens to make me feel off -balanced, rocking, swaying when I walk.   You know, if maybe you have had too many cocktails at your company's Christmas party or after you charter a yacht in st. barts and you get back on land - and you still feel like your swaying.  Well that's what mine feels like.  I know its from exhaustion, hormones and my body physically recovering from child birth, but holy shizzy, can I just get off this ride?  Although everyday is tough, the days seem like they'll never end, I also know that everyday I am getting stronger, in body and mind.

I realize how lucky I am to have anther healthy, happy, beautiful baby girl.  To be loved and supported by wonderful friends and family,  but I also realize the importance to shed some light on how a new mom, a second time mom, even a mom doing this for the fifth time might be struggling.  Having baby isn't all rainbows and butterflies; its trapped gas, bleeding nips, immense about of pain, anxiety out the wazoo.

It will get better.  I don't know when, but it will.  There is beauty in the breakdown