Top Six

... a guest blog brought to you by Matt Casserly.



Typical clickbait. Some guest blogger has posted a list of something and you just had to click, right? Well, I needed a segue into telling the world that after a 15 year weight loss "journey", I'm finally accepting that no amount of weight lifting, dieting, bulking, cutting, bulking, and cutting again will ever reveal my abdominal muscles in a way that is not embarrassing to me. I've had a lump of excess skin centered just below my belly button for at least 10 years now, and it's not going away. It's leftovers from a childhood of enjoying the finer things in life. You know... like McDonalds, Cheetos, and Blue Bell ice cream on the regular with a healthy dose of computer gaming and very little physical fitness mixed into things. It's the combo platter of childhood obesity, and it's not an easy platter to walk away from after a very steady diet of consumption.

Why do I bring this up? I'm electing to have abdominoplasty. If you're just reading about this here for the first time, you are not alone. Only four other people know I'm doing this, and they all are playing an integral role in my recovery (mostly ensuring Allie does not go insane taking care of my child-like self and Grace simultaneously). If you don't know what abdominoplasty is, I'll spare you the more gruesome details and say... you know what rhinoplasty is, right? Rhino: nose, plasty: job. So, abdomino-jobber. You've got it. I hesitate to call it a "tummy tuck" for a couple of reasons. One: it just doesn't sound very manly. Everybody knows how masculine I am, so it's obvious why I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm not the hyper-masculine character I present. Two: it makes the procedure sound so minor... like the doctor is just going to push some extra skin out of the way, and that's not really the case. Three: I'm out of reasons. It's really just those two things: unmanly-sounding and minor. It's totally manly and it's still surgery (although, no cutting in my muscles, so no man-C-section recovery for me!).

Anyway, you were promised a top six list, so I'm going to deliver. Here are the top six insensitive questions that people might ask me.

6. How much is that procedure going to run you?

It's somewhere between the cost of a new phone without a service contract and an "elective" heating and air conditioning system. You know how you're always thinking, "oh, man, I just hope our A/C (replace A/C with central heat if you don't live in the south) goes out because I can't wait to shell out that kind of money"? It's less than that!

5. Don't you think you should be spending that money on something better?

Yup. Did I really need a new phone for my birthday? Nope, but it sure is nice to look at and take pictures with. There's about a hundred other things I could probably think of to spend money on prior to this (e.g., a new kitchen, Grace's college fund, various home improvement projects, a down payment for a new car, refinancing a mortgage), but none of those things are a reward for 15 years worth of work and fixing what I ultimately destroyed with a partial lifetime of poor choices. Also, for years I've said I'll never do something like this, but the one person who should be saying, "Uh, you don't need that -- what you do need is to figure out how to replace the car that will probably fall apart randomly in the next three months", my wife, is my strongest supporter. She knows that my skin flab is the one thing in my life that keeps me from moving past being the fat kid in school (mentally) and being the confident person I can mockingly portray. She's not in it for the (hopeful) killer abs that could develop as a result. She knows that, mentally, this is one of the best things I could ever do for myself. That's why my wife is awesome. Well, among a large list of reasons, but that's an example.

4. Isn't the recovery process going to hurt?

Yeah. I've read that. It sounds pretty horrible. But I'll take a few weeks of post-op pain and recovery for a lifetime of being able to look in the mirror without zeroing in on a pooch at my waistline.

3. Who is gonna take care of that toddler?

If you're just hearing about this for the first time via the blog, I've got that covered by that small list of people that actually knew about things already. You're welcome to step in and help out, though!

2. Isn't your wife going to starve?

Despite what many people think, Allie cooks, and she is really good at it! She cooks at least 20% of the meals on a given week, and it's always something new that I haven't tried making before. Plus, she made it to Austin without me at a healthy weight, so I think she'll survive. You're all welcome to send her a kale salad and something without gluten in my stead, though.

1. Are you afraid of dying and leaving a child and wife behind?

Geez, you are dark. Yes, and yes. Although I'm far more afraid of feeling the entire surgery without being able to say anything due to anesthetic awareness. IT'S A THING, OK? Just ask Hayden Christensen! Seriously, though, my largest fear is leaving Grace behind without a daddy. Allie is wonderful... she's sexy, funny, smart, an incredible mom, and her worst qualities are probably linked directly to me. She'll grieve, but she'll find a sugar daddy. Grace, on the other hand, still sees me as infallible and has no daddy prospects yet. I worry the most for her, but I do that on a daily basis, so there's not a big change there. Statistically, there's probably a higher chance of me hurting myself driving to or from work five days a week (especially in Austin), so I'm gonna roll the dice on this one.

So, that's that. Now you know. Surgery is scheduled for May 21. If you're into that kind of thing, think happy thoughts. Just know that if I don't make it, I've given Allie detailed instructions to leave a VERY disappointed 1-star Yelp review for the plastic surgeon, and know that I died like I lived: doped up on something foreign with someone wielding a knife in my direction.