Music From My Heart

This past week I have been obsessed...and I mean OBSESSED with the Game of Thrones Soundtrack.  I've always loved the music from the show, but I cannot get enough this week.  It has inspired me to write about how music has always played an integral part of my life.  I remember as a kid driving in the car with my dad, he would blast the radio for 5 seconds then lower it and quiz my sister and I on which band  sang that particular song.   It was always so much fun trying to yell out the band or the name of the song before my sister could.  Music evokes all types of emotions.  I can easily recall moments in my life and what songs I would be listening to and how they made me feel.

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My first heart break.  Carly Simon-- You're so Vain.  Seriously, that son of a bitch thought he would break my heart, and I would fall apart.  Well I did.  Then I started listening to Carly Simon, and realized that this person was WAY too into their own emotions they couldn't handle me on.  Therefore, didn't deserve me.  I brushed myself off and mended my broken heart.

Graduating High School.  If anybody else Graduated in 2001 or a couple year prior or after, then you definitely know the Vitamin C - Graduation song.  I would put on my radio/cd/tape player when I was going to bed on low and listen to a local station.  EVERY night in May and June that damn Vitamin C song would come on.  And EVERY night I would cry.  Cry about leaving home.  Missing my family and friends.  Cry because I wasn't sure what the future held for me.

The Best Summer.  It was summer of 2003 and oddly enough I had my heart broken for the second time.  Different guy.  I was less mature this breakup and decided to drink my face off the entire summer to numb my pain.  However,  I HAD THE BEST TIME doing it.  Every Friday, my sister and I would call each other if we heard R. Kelly's - Ignition on the radio and blast it over our phones.  Not even talk to each other.  Just blast the music.  We knew that weekend we both would be heading to Fire Island to party.    I seriously can't hear Ignition without thinking about what a crazy summer that was.

Running my first and ONLY full marathon.   When you run 26.2 miles, you have A LOT of time to yourself.  I would always plug in my ear buds when I was training.  I would listen to an array of music, but what I will always equate to my marathon time is Muse's - Knights of Cydonia.  Seriously, if you need a song to pump you up, that is the one.  I remember listening to it as ran up the rolling hills in the marathon route... wanting to stop soo badly, but the music carried me through.  Finishing that marathon was one of my proudest moments. 

Matt Proposing.  He literally made up his own lyrics to Foo Fighter's- Everlong  to propose to me.  He knew I loved Foo Fighters, and he knew I loved him...so it was a definite yes.  I remember being shaky, out of breath and feeling faint in that moment, and I was just sitting!  Ten years later, if Everlong plays on the radio while we are driving together, we look each other and hold each others hands.  He is definitely my Ever Long.

Grace.  Rocking that little bundle of joy to bed and singing "Baby Mine" has always been one of my favorite memories as a first time mom.  Just rocking back and forth in the dark room of hers, watching her eyes closed and sleep in my arms is definitely one of the most precious moments I've endured.  Even know when Grace is feel sleepy or wanting a little bit more "mom" attention she requests Baby Mine.  I'll sing it to her, and even though she is growing before my very eyes, whenever I sing that song to her, she's right back to being my bundle of joy in my arms.

Open Heart Surgery.  Discovering I heart a heart defect at 32 years old has to be one of the biggest shocks in my life.  Reflecting back, I don't know how I didn't go bonkers while I agonizingly waited for 6 months for my surgery.  I truly believe, music was one of my outlets.  I would BLAST David Guetta w/Sia -Titanium.  Those lyrics were my battle cry.  Three days after my surgery, when the doctor had to remove my chest tube ( seriously - the chest tube was the worst part of post surgery), I remember her asking me if I wanted to play any songs.  I automatically looked at Matt and he played "Titanium."  As she started to remove the chest tube and basically ripe it out from inside my chest, she told me I could scream....I just belted out "I am TITANIUM" and it was over.  With the chest tube out.  A day later I was discharged from the hospital.  In that moment,  I was a bad ass,  I was a warrior. 

And the last memory I will share was after Peyton was born.  I was an emotional wreck.  I mourned the family of three that Matt, Grace and I had created, but this little peanut came into my life and into my heart.  The song that takes me back to adjusting to loving a second child is Elvis Presley's - I Can't Help Falling In Love With You.  She loved to go on walks outside, and I remember she was just 6 weeks old and I would wrap her up in a blanket and I would carry her around the neighborhood singing that song to her.   I knew that as scared and anxious  as I felt about opening my heart again, it was happening.  I loved her and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  I had to let go my family of three and embrace my new life, as a family of four.

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I could probably ramble on all day about what songs mean to me and list dozens more songs and the time warp I am thrown into.  I love all music can do -- it can heal, it can unite, it can scare, it can ease pain, it can love.  Enjoy your weekend, blast whatever song you'd like and let the music overtake you. Until next time.

 

Back in the Saddle

I busted my hump! I told Matt over and over again with a smile on my face.  I came barreling downstairs sweaty, hair crazy, sporting my bike shorts.  My daily spin has become my sanctuary.  We have a stationary bike up in our bedroom...and no, its not a Peloton.  Maybe this blog could get forwarded to them and they will send me one! (fingers crossed)  Anyway, my parents had an old stationary bike they never used, and about two years ago were looking too get rid of it, so we took it.  Matt had every intention of using it when Peyton was born, and I think he did use it a couple off times, but let's face it, that guy likes to lift weights.

For months the stationary bike just sat in our bedroom......stationary.

It wasn't until this past Fall. I decided to dust off the bike take off all the clothes that were draped on it and scoured my workout drawer for the pair of bike shorts I had purchased years ago.  

That first day was not a pretty sight.  Literally.  Bike shorts are NOT forgiving and neither are leg muscles after biking.  

I believe I biked for 25 minutes and was spent.  There was a time when I used to run 6 miles before a spin class.  And now, after 25 minutes.  How the mighty have fallen.    I try to practice patience and self-love, but as a former gym rat,  25 minutes seemed pathetic.  I reminded myself that if I wanted to build stamina, I would just have to keep at it.  And that's what I did.    Slowly, I went from 25 minutes a day, 2 days a week to 30 minutes a day, 2 days a week.  Six months later, I dedicate at least 50 minutes a day, 5 days a week.  I crave the saddle.  I find my energy level is much lower if I don't work out.  

People have asked me if I watch any spin classes on YouTube to motivate me.  I've tried.   To be honest, I use the time on the bike for me. To be connected to my body.  To feel my heart getting stronger.  To feel how fast my legs are pumping.  To listen to my thoughts.  To rock out to music of my choice.   To have creative ideas pop into my head.  To have time for myself.

I haven't felt this strong in my body and mind since the summer after my open heart surgery.  The bike is no longer stationary....and neither am I.